Today, I am ashamed to be British

To paraphrase the words of Derek Smalls, bass guitarist with legendary rock band Spinal Tap, 'playing music makes you feel like a preserved moose'. I'm sure we all know how he feels. One old moose whose career is particularly in need of preservation is Micheal Jackson, the world's second favourite alleged* child-molester. (The first is of course Ronald McDonald - there's something undeniably seedy about a grown man in a clown suit choosing to spend that amount of time being chased by children).

Anyway, Jackson's new compilation album only managed to sell 8,000 copies in the USA. Well done America. However, I am mortified to report that in the UK the same album went straight to number 2. On behalf of my nation, I can only apologise to the American people for not doing enough to curb this menace.

* On the advice of my lawyers, I must draw particular attention to the word 'alleged'.