They're trying to take the fun out of being a redneck

'Don't get drunk in Texas' advises fellow expat Mick, on the grounds that you're as likely to end up getting picked up by the law as by the local talent. Not good in a state which is unrenowned for its progressive views on penal correction. The idea of arresting people in bars for being drunk seems a little incongruous, why else does one go in a bar? This is especially strange in Texas, where you can routinely buy ammunition and beer at gas stations.

Then again, I got drunk in Texas once, in Austin to be precise. As a direct result of that heady experience I ended up driving a 20-year-old Dodge van from Alaska to Colorado, with a 25-year-old feminist. There were other factors involved of course (unemployment, indolence and irresponsibilty being the main ones), so I wouldn't suggest that just anyone getting drunk in Texas will end up dodging caribou in a semi-legal Detroit workhorse, but it's as well to know the risk.

Happy days, those. Every mechanic between Anchorage and Vancouver reckoned she only had 100 miles left in her at most, but 5,000 miles later she was still going strong (the van, that is, not the woman). It's all about keeping the fluids topped up. The woman is now a youth worker in Oregon - three months with me was the perfect preparation for dealing with disturbed adolescents.

By the way, don't expect me to post next week, as I won't be here. I'm going into the purifying fires of the desert, to purge my soul through mortification of the flesh, T.E. Lawrence style. When I'm finished with that I'm going into the intoxicating fires of Las Vegas, where hopefully I'll get the chance to mortify someone else's flesh.