In search of spiritual guidance

Around this time of year, I generally get a bit nihilistic in my attitudes. I don't know the reason for this - it could be the longer nights, it could be a sort of fin-d'an existentialism, but mostly I think it has to do with being constantly blasted by reminders that it is soon the tawdry consumer festival of Christmas. Whatever the cause, expect a particularly gloomy and bitter Fastrousers until my New Years hangover has worn off.

This year, I decided to deal with my December-dread with a bit of spiritual guidance, and have contacted Focus on the Family, a Colorado-based outfit that specialises in matters moral and spiritual.


Dear Dr Dobson

I was lying in bed the other night, struggling with the doubt and blackness that afflicts all men during that long, dark, sleepless vigil before the dawn. A thought occured to me then - if my arm was just half a foot shorter it wouldn't be nearly so easy to masturbate.

If we were to believe those crackpot Darwinians, natural selection would favour those species with greater impetus to copulate, and so those species physiologically capable of self-satisfaction would be less successful. Clearly then, the auto-erotically convenient position of my hand is evidence of Intelligent Design.

Tell that to those heathens and nay-sayers in the Kansas State School Boards!

Also, I don't think it makes you go blind at all, I think peering at internet porn is more damaging to the eyesight.

Yea, and shall He come unto the World to Smite the UnRighteous (Onanists, Ch4, vs 21)

Fastrousers (Capt.)


I've yet to receive a reply, but I'll let you know how it pans out.