Fastrousers takes it to the terrorists

I'm not generally a big fan of those Homeland Security people. Apart from anything else, I have to pay $100 for the dubious privilege of being on their nosey little database, and even have to ask permission to return to the Warm Bosom of my Motherland. However, I've decided to conduct my very own War on Terror tonight.

Any delinquant little bastard that comes to my door in disguise using unspecified threats in a blithe attempt to menace sweets from me is going straight to a Specially Designated Processing Center (sic). (Actually, it's the shed in the garden that we use as a laundry room). No trial, no right of appeal and I'm certainly not tolerating a load of runny-nosed liberals with Amnesty International placards cluttering up the driveway. That's what Venice Beach is for, after all.

But I will give the 'detainees' some soup or something once a day (more or less), and they get to face Mecca three times a day, so nobody could accuse me of being an unreasonable man - nobody who doesn't hate America, that is.

I had planned to be out and about myself tonight, but I was advised against it. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciated my plan of donning a fake beard and turban, and threatening to drive into people's houses unless they supplied me with some Halal Beef Jerky and an autonomous Islamic state in Malibu. One rule for the kids, another rule for Fastrousers - no wonder this country's going to the dogs.