When weapons are allowed back on board an aircraft, the pilots will be able to land the plane safely but the aisles will be running with blood

The Association of Flight Attendents are not at all happy that nail scissors are being allowed back on US flights as carry-on luggage. As they so prophetically state, "When weapons are allowed back on board an aircraft, the pilots will be able to land the plane safely but the aisles will be running with blood". I might retort that if those bitch air stewardesses would bring my scotch and water in a timely fashion then I wouldn't have need to start hacking and slicing at the other passengers.

It's a completely irrelevant argument anyway, who really needs in-flight nail scissors? If I want to do my manicure at 30,000 ft then I can use a nail file, and if I need a sharp implement with which to butcher the crew, then I just make sure I stock up with glass in the duty-free shop before boarding. Of course, that screws over any Al-Quaeda fanatic because being Muslim they're not allowed to buy Johnny Walker (to be honest nobody should be allowed to buy Johnny Walker, much less drink it, but that's a different matter). But I'm sure any prospective Jihadi could get special dispensation from their local Mullah if they want to go on a booze-fuelled massacre without damaging their chances of winning a 72-year-old virgin, or whatever it is these people die for.

Talking of in-flight affray, I'm taking the red-eye back to Heathrow on Christmas Eve, which means passing over Greenland on Christmas Night. I've already told British Airways that if there's so much as the hint of a gag over the intercom about flying sleds piloted by a senile old pedarist dressed in red, then I shall be forced to initiate a bloodbath armed only with a keyring and the zipper from my coat. They can't claim that they haven't been warned.