I am concerned about the departmental mackerel budget

One of the great things about researching Antarctica's climate system is that there's almost no data and no other researchers, which means that I can palm off almost any hackneyed and spurious old toss as original resarch and no-one will be any the wiser. Well, a few other people will be, but since they're at the same game there's not a lot they can say without incriminating themselves. Unfortunately, when I get the occasional influx of scientific zeal, the lack of resources is a bit of a problem. For example, I currently need sea surface temperature data for the Southern Ocean, and am frankly so desperate for information that I'd use data from almost any source, much like a Daily Mail journalist.

In desperation, we've turned to harnessing elephant seals to get hold of some useable data. The idea of harnessing dumb animals for dangerous or onerous tasks is nothing new to science - even now there's an undergraduate sat across from me churning through endless satellite images for us. Even undergraduates have limited uses though, in tests last winter in the Southern Ocean only one or two research assistants were able to survive long enough to give really useful oceanographic data, as they tended to implode below about 500ft. (Eventually we had to stop testing after a formal request from the Faculty Chair, who was worried that the number of students not completing their major would reflect badly in the on the department if the Dean noticed). Hence, we've had to resort to using slightly higher forms of life.

Whilst I welcome new data of almost any kind, I do worry about the future. What if these creatures start demanding funding, or even joint authorship on any publications (undergraduates can normally be satisfied by a bit of a mention in the acknowledgments section)? Worse yet, they could start gunning for faculty positions. The last thing geophysical science needs is yet another enormously fat and thick skinned mammal shuffling around, howling and barking at everyone.