Is there anybody out there?

Normally I can't be arsed to complain to big companies, it's a complete waste of time so I usually end up just ranting on here. It's been a hard day though. A long story, but the main theme gist is that the British tax man has torn me a new arsehole and the British banking system has proceded to shaft me up it. (My original anus is, as usual, getting the full prison-style attention of the University). In the end, I thought 'fuck it', and sent this email to A Well Known British Retail Bank. The name is unimportant - like politicians and sorority girls they're all the bloody same anyway.

Dear Sir, Madam or codeline

Firstly, let me say how much I appreciate the benefits that computer technology has brought us. In my own particular line of work, for example, I can now accurately complete literally millions of difficult computations in days, whereas forty years ago they would have taken years, if they were indeed possible at all. Using computers, I can analyse the complex fluid dynamics that govern our planet's climate. Pretty exciting stuff - not as exciting as ISAs or mortgages perhaps, but still jolly impressive.

Computers allow us to communicate across the world, to make financial transactions at the touch of a button, they allow us to look into the very depths of the Universe. What computers cannot do, of course, is make a pragmatic, non-programmed decision based on judgement. For that you need a human.

If there are any humans still working at A Well Known British Retail Bank, I'd love to hear from one, if only to say 'hi'. I've spent most of the day trying to contact one, and indeed have spoken to some very nice people at the call centre that you employ, but of course they're entirely constrained by what they're computer screen says - which is probably the same computer screen I can see when I login to online banking anyway. What I really wanted to do was speak to someone at my branch, but as you no doubt realise, any calls to the branch are automatically routed to the call centre. I could have gone into the branch in person I suppose, but since I currently reside 5000 miles away in California it's not entirely convenient. But of course you know this, because I had a little chat about it all with one of your staff members before I came out, back when you employed people.

I'm increasingly of the view that your bank is now just a vast agglomeration of Shylock codelines, a bit like that film with Keanu Reeves where he has some fetching sunglasses and a serious messiah complex.

I anticipate with excitement your next automatically generated demand for whatever fee is in vogue next week. A reply from a carbon-based life form would also be great.

Yours,

F. Fastrousers (Capt)

Ps there may be some delay in returning your reply, as I may have better things to do. Your response is important to me, and I will be with you as soon as I can. Your response may be recorded for training purposes, quality control, or just so I can bitch and moan about this with my mates.


Update

Here is what A Well Known British Retail Bank has to say for themselves:

Subject:Acknowledgement of your complaint of 31.01
Dear Mr Fastrousers

Thank you for taking the time and trouble to let us know of your
disappointment on this subject.
We value your feedback and are sorry that you have experienced
dissatisfaction on this occasion.


Could you please contact us again providing us with the following
information:


As you are A Well Known British Retail Bank customer, your address as held on our records.


As soon as this information is received your complaint will be
forwarded to the relevant area for investigation.
For security reasons, to respond to your complaint in writing.

Please see our website for further information on how we deal with
complaints, http://www.A_Well_Known_British_Retail_Bank.com


Yours sincerely

Internet Care Team
For and on behalf of
A Well Known British Retail Bank plc


Please quote this unique tracking number when you contact us - [......]


The email address we have contacted you from is used for outbound
emails only. Should you need to contact Barclays again please do so by
visiting the Contact Us pages on either the A Well Known British Retail Bank Homepage or A Well Known British Retail Bank Online Banking site.


Oh they're good, they're real good, it's clear that the gloves are off. I particularly like the line about 'having my address on their records' - a thinly veiled threat to send around the heavies if ever I saw one.

Update 09/02/2006

I've now received a second request to confirm my address, this time in writing rather than by email. Is this just a stalling tactic? A ruse to make sure I'm at home when they send around the bully boys? Who knows, but rest assured I shall persevere until I find out. As a precaution, and since I don't particular relish the idea of having my mouth filled with cement by the militant wing of the Financial Services Authority, I've actually given them the address of a friend. (Andy R, if you or Lady R sees a group of surly looking people in bad bri-nylon suits hanging around Abbeydale Road, it might be best not to answer the door. It's probably just a group of Sheffield United supporting estate agents, but you never know.)