This year, give him something he really needs

It's like living in a Catholic country, almost everyone I know is reproducing themselves. I have in the past stated that while I have no personal interest in continuing the Fastrousers dynasty, other people should be allowed to repopulate the world with their verminous offspring if they so choose. Enough is enough though, and if people aren't prepared to have more care with their semen or ovaries then it's time to make a stand.

My first impulse was to pollute the LA water supply with oestrogen to try and lower sperm counts, but it seemed a bit extreme even for me. I wasn't bothered too much by the lack of hegemony engendered in this policy, but I was concerned by the risk of growing man-breasts. Plus, it's already hard enough to get hold of decent fish around here as it is, despite living 500 yards from the ocean.

Instead, I've decided to launch a pro-vasectomy campaign, with the slogan It's hip to snip. Consider it a call-to-arms for all males to take back control of the whole birthing process. After all, no man really wants the responsibility of parenthood, it's just a postmodern ruse to give women something to obsess about other than the diameter of their thighs. I'm putting together a Home Vasectomy Kit (for limited time only $19.99, which if you think is steep you should check out the latest mothercare catalog). It's got everything you need - sharp scissors, a clothes peg, a few elastoplast and a duel aneasthetic/disinfectant (a half bottle of Bell's - in early trials we tried Guinness but the disinfecting properties weren't as good, and the patient's propensity to urinate after 30 minutes caused a few complications). You'll need to provide your own bucket, and if you've got a decent carpet it's probably worth putting some old newspaper down. All this is covered in the easy-to-follow instructions though.

All it takes is a steady hand and some balls (no pun intended). No doubt there'll be complaints from the medical profession when they have to stitch up some cretin who was reading the diagrams upside down and can't tell his arse from his appendix, but that's an economic drop in the ocean compared to the cost of 15 years per child in state education.

By this time next year, America's men will be firing more blanks than a National Guardsman.