British Tories announce latest patsy

The British Conservative Party has elected a new leader. He's an old Etonian, so he should be well versed in the rough and tumble (not to say the spanking, bondage and auto-erotic asphyxiation) of Tory Party politics. For those of you not familiar with post-Thatcherite British politics, the role of Conservative leader hinges on trying to avoid talking about Europe for four years, and then resigning quietly when they inevitably lose the election.

Mr Cameron says "People in this country are crying out for a Conservative Party that is decent, reasonable, sensible, common sense and in it for the long term of this country and that is the party we are going to build". To be honest, most people in the UK weren't alive when we last had a Conservative Party like that. The last person to enter the House of Commons with an honest motive and a workable plan was Guy Fawkes, and he had to contend with considerably more than a smart-arse answer from the Labour dispatch box. My advice to Cameron would be to appeal to the traditional party base - fill in the Channel Tunnel, declare war on the French and bring back hanging for starters.

Some things you never knew about the Tories

The top-secret 2002 policy document 'Immigration in the New Millenium - a postmodern approach' began with the words I'm not racist, but...

The sexiest ever Tory was Jeffrey Archer a diminutive peer of the realm and pathological liar who makes a staggering living writing books specifically for airport bookstands.

The second sexiest Tory was William Hague.

In the early nineties, spank-fests and sexual deviance were so rampant that the party employed its very own sex therapist to help MPs stay out of trouble. She was called Edwina Curry.

Not that the Tories aren't capable of producing a truly fine intellectual. The left and right wingers alike wither under the searing analysis of Boris Johnston.