There was a dead whale in the Thames over the weekend

There was a dead whale in the Thames over the weekend. Not that there's anything particularly unusual about noxious debris floating passed Battersea, but a bottle-nosed whale is a bit more noticeable than the usual concoction of human effluent and used johnnies. The creature, which normally resides in the North Atlantic, was spotted on Friday heading gamely for Hammersmith, but died during attempts to return it to its indiginous habitat.

It's a terrible tragedy of course, but unfortunately the firm smack of authority is the only way to deal with these asylum seekers. You let one in, and before you know it every bar in Earl's Court is having to serve briny and krill platters. I was also happy to note that those involved in the repatriation were rightly given parking tickets for leaving their cars on embankment.

If you break the rules, you get punished - no exceptions, no excuses. Anything else is anarchy.