Except for me, every single man on the internet is a liar

The interweb world is agog with the comings and goings of Paris Hilton, as if being banged up and banged out is a new experience for her. Personally, I don't really give a toss what happens to the tedious cow, but what I am infuriated by is the amount of bare-faced lying that's going on.

The so-called news has inevitably raised our Paz's profile, inevitably prompting such high-brow discussions as 'would you shag her', and 'will she get some hot lesbo action in the Big House'. Apparently, almost every pundit on the internet (and you just know they're male) thinks she's hideous, skanky, and would not touch her with a long stick.

99.8% of male internet users find this woman hideous

Who on Earth are these people trying to deceive?

Are my sexual predilections really so deviant that my aesthetic is completely unrepresentative of the male population? Actually, it's well known that my I'm a sexual deviant, but I'm fairly sure that my perversions don't stretch to my view of what is and is not physically attractive. The woman clearly has her faults (i.e. she's an overly-sheltered, self-absorbed and vacuous bint), but I hardly think that being physically hideous is one of them. I am quite sure that I would find a five minute conversation with her absolutely unbearable (although she's probably not that much more stupid than the average collegiate athlete, and they're supposed to university material). Would I have sex with her though? After deep reflection, my personal status at the time notwithstanding, and considering the fact that she's a physically attractive young female, I would have to say that fuck yes, I would gladly and happily bang her.

I suspect that in reality the same is true for all these naysayers. Are these men really such connoiseurs of the female form that they actually find her ugly? Of course they aren't. They're just saying that they wouldn't in case their fat, ugly girlfriends are looking over their shoulders as they type, and they want to make out that the physical aspects of sexual attraction aren't important to them. Well I have news for any woman reading this that might be convinced that their male partner is unswayed by physical attraction - he's lying. When a heterosexual man, every heterosexual man, meets a woman, a barometer in his crotch stands to attention or limply droops depending on whether she looks good or not. If the barometer stands proud, it doesn't mean that he needs to have sex with her, or that he will have sex with her, or that the attraction will completely define all their future interactions. It does mean, however, that given the opportunity he would sleep with her.

These sad, faux-imasculated men can make these mendacious claims, fairly sure that they will never be proven wrong, because of course they know deep in their soul that Paris Hilton will never ever have even the slightest interest in sleeping with them. So instead they're stuck trying to prove to their fat ugly partners that they've somehow evolved beyond the most basic and defining mammalian instincts.

Jesus Christ, I never thought that I'd write a post that was even slightly defensive of Paris Hilton. I feel dirty. And I think I like it. Mmmmmm...