The very latest in quality porcelain-ware

Apparently, fat cunts now need to use a special toilet. I have in the past been accused by a large woman of being 'fattist'. "No love" I replied, "I think you'll find that you're the fattest"*. The accusation of fattism may or may not have some justification, after all not everyone is blessed with my natural athleticism and boyish, ageless charm. Nevertheless, irrespective of the state of your thyroid, it takes a special devotion to the art of troughing in order to justify the need for a specially-designed $1400 khazi. In addition to its ergonomically-designed wide-capacity seat, the Great John includes side panels to the seat, an extra set of floor anchors, and is tested for loads of up to 2000lbs. I couldn't find any information regarding the flush mechanism, but I would imagine that anyone who needs a 2000lb bog is likely to be dumping some pretty ghastly loads into the damn thing. Not so much 'dropping the kids of at the pool' as 'dumping the nuclear waste into the ocean'.

All this scatology is reminding me that it's soon Halloween, the season of slutty costumes and top-decking under the guise of 'Trick or Treat'. For you foreigners who don't know what 'top-decking' is, it's that lovely old British custom of going to a friend's house and crapping in the toilet cistern rather than the bowl. Bets are placed on how long it takes the homeowner to work out why the smell is worse after flushing than before.

It has become my mission to introduce these wonderful traditions to my adopted land.

* This gag won a lifetime achievement award for 'exceptionally long service to humour' at the recent Cannes Prix de Concours des Blagues et Conneries'.