Urgent: translation required

'So, she was, like, you know, like, hey, I don't know. And I was like, whatEVER, like....'

I've just spent an hour trying to decipher a conversation I heard this morning, of which the above is merely an extract (albeit a highly representative one). Given the volume at which this conversation was bellowed into a mobile phone I can only assume that it was important that I (and indeed the rest of supermarket queue) heard it. Since the protagonist was wearing the standard undergraduate summer uniform (pink flip-flops, tiny white shorts and CU t-shirt), she must have the option of communicating in English, so clearly it's me that's the weak link in this particular chain of comprehension.

I'm going to give up trying to comprehend the language of undergraduates. In future I intend to concentrate on the contents of those tiny white shorts, rather than the contents of those tiny grey cells.*

The Captain's policy on sexism
Please don't think that I believe that male undergraduates are any more intelligent (quite the opposite), it's just that they just don't look as appealing in their shorts (not to me, anyway). I wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm a sexist. In my opinion, a misogynist is just an under-achiever, someone who lacks the sufficient mental dexterity to despise the entire human race equitably, irrespective of gender.