Fester Fastrousers' Tales of the Terrible

Halloween again, every peadophile's favourite festival. Last year I went to see the West Hollywood Halloween Parade. To be fair I didn't notice any peadophiles, but I think pretty much every other form of deviant activity was catered to - I recommend it if you're in the area. Halloween also represents the season of 'horror' films. Lot's of blood, some incredibly stupid teenagers and the cinematographic equivalent of jumping out of a cupboard and saying boo. It's not exactly Hitchcock, is it? The trouble with most modern horror films, apart from that the situations are so unlikely, are the protagonists. They're always so amazingly stupid that I end up hating them and rooting for the monster/serial killer, which renders their eventual butchering somewhat less narratively effective.

How about some horror films about a situation that is, in fact, genuinely terrifying? Here is a run-down of truly fear-inspiring moments.

7) "This is the Dean of Students. I'm phoning to discuss the University's policy regarding sexual harassment, particularly in the classroom..." - Bloody Hell, another morning wasted in some compulsory 'seminar' whilst some menopausal hippy talks about objectivisation of women.

6) "I did what last night? You're crapping me! Jesus, you're supposed to be my friends, why the hell didn't you stop me?" - As Alfred Hitchcock himself knew, true suspense lies not in the outcome but in the build-up. Nothing beats that visceral descent into despair as the hazy memories of one's actions the previous night gather themselves like flocking birds into a coherent picture of public shame and possible criminal proceedings.

5) "Hi, Mr. Fastrousers? This is Wayne from the Bank of Phukett and Rhunn. I've been reviewing your account activity and..." - Bugger, I knew I should have dealt with a Swiss bank, that's a nation that truly understands the importance of discretion in financial transactions. They also appreciate the importance of rank: it's Captain Fastrousers to you, you pimpled oik.

4) "You will be able to come to our wedding, won't you?" - A nasty spectacle indeed, watching yet another hapless idiot walk gladly into Cupid's very own Dungeon. It's like that scene in horror films when the naive, curious teenager insists on investigating some dark, forbidding cave alone. 'Don't do it!' I cry, but they never listen.

3) "I went to the doctors today. This is a little awkward, but you haven't noticed a burning sensation when you pee, have you?" - It's bad enough having to get a penicillen shot in the arse from some sexless nurse who believes in 'abstinence-only sex-ed', but having to track down all my partners from the last six months is positively grisly. I pay Trojan to avoid this kind of thing, for chrissakes.

2) "Do you love me?" - Errrrrr...... (for extra fear-value this should be asked during coitus, rendering a dignified escape extremely difficult).

Finally, coming at #1, the all time horror classic...

1) "I'm six weeks late" - JesustittyfuckingchristwhatthefuckamIgoingtodoareyousureohshitohshitohshitAAARRRGGHHH!!???!!