You're wasting your time

Are you still looking for that perfect Christmas gift? If you are then I would suggest you stop wasting your time. Surely you must have something more useful and less galling joining the barbarian horde of consumers, all in search of the holy grail of a gift that is by turns original, personal, and competitively priced? Do what I do, get them the first thing you can find on eBay for under $10 and have it dispatched straight to their home address. You've as much chance of getting something they actually want, and you don't even need to bugger about wrapping it up.

However, in case you are still engaged in this futile ordeal, I'd like to make a few suggestions. These fine gifts are not available in the shops, and can only be acquired from me, on receipt of $49.99 and a decent bottle of scotch. (And I do mean decent. Don't even think about fobbing me off with that bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label that you picked up in the Duty Free last summer.)

Dick Cheney's Shooting Gallery
All the action of a real-life quail-hunt in the comfort of your own home. Suitable for ages 5 and up, but not for lawyers.

Game of Life - Utah edition
Drive through Utah in a Chevy Silverado, buying property and paying tithes. The winner is player with the most wives at the end, and is swept away to Heaven in a spaceship. Or is that the Scientologists? Whatever, I don't have time to keep track of everything these fruitcakes believe.

Monopoly - Vegas edition
"You've landed on one of my hookers, that's $50 please!" Not suitable for younger children.

Trailor Park Barbie
Currently pending negotiations with Britney Spears' lawyers.

Risk
The classic game of strategy and world domination, updated for 2006. Declare victory five minutes into the game, then spend the next eight hours throwing your entire army into one country as the situation degenerates into a chaotic Battle Royale. Nobody's worked out how to win the game yet, so I can't tell you how it ends.

Spank the Monkey
A favourite in the Vatican. Grunts when you rub his banana. "Innocent, God-fearing fun for boys of all ages" - Mark Foley