'I'd love this country if it wasn't for all the fucking foreigners'

An aquaintance from my long defunct undergraduate days, let's just call him 'Trevor'*, recently got married. Trevor has always had a fairly flexible sense of morality and a unique view of good taste, which has led him to be dubbed in some circles as The Filthiest Man in the World. Ultimately his heart is in the right place, but he is a man who thinks that ethics is a county just outside London, and that scruples is something you might catch from one of its women**.

Trevor is a fur trader. Let's face it, there's only so many ways you can make a living with a degree in Slavic languages, and he's not the sort of person to lose too much sleep over the welfare of a few cute rodents. (In all fairness, it's not surprising that he has no love of nature, given what it's done to him). Although Trevor can speak several languages he can't say 'no' in any of them, so it was fairly well known that when he was out east at trade shows he enjoyed the company of the models from time to time. Trevor, bless his filthy soul, is not what you'd call a prime catch. He combines the chiselled good looks of Lemmy with the winning charm of Wayne Rooney. Presumably a western income and an EU passport added a certain something to his pulling power. Anyway, after ten years of philandering, karma finally scored a direct hit and one them finally managed to get her claws into him. They were married last year.

The wedding photos are a fine indication of just how far out of his depth he's ended up this time. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that his new in-laws are gangsters, but that's only because I wouldn't dare. These people have a long reach and a short temper. I would rather describe them as buccaneers of the alternative economy, entrepreneurs who aren't afraid to push the boundaries of eastern Europes burgeoning free-market opportunities. I would put good money down that the self-same wedding photos are on file somewhere at Interpol.

The point is that, outside the normal loving marital devotion, Trevor has some very good reasons for keeping his new bride happy, most notably an aversion to swimming in the Thames with his mouth filled with cement. She knows this well and by all accounts has been making full use of the opportunities afforded to her by moving to London with a reasonably affluent husband. She does not work of course, because her English is 'not yet good enough'. She has picked up sufficient English to fully express her views on England though. When asked how she was settling into her new home she promptly stated that she liked London, but that there were too many fucking niggers. This masterful summary of one of the World's great cultural melting pots was made in the middle of the day, outside a pub, within ear shot of any passers-by.

How does one follow that one up? How do you respond to someone telling you that your country is too multi-racial, when she's only in the country in the first place because of a drunken shag at a trade fair? Personally I have no idea, but I'd be interested to hear your views.


* I've changed the names. Not to protect the innocent (there aren't any in this sorry tale) but to protect myself
** Note to foreigners - 'Ethics' sounds a bit like Essex, which is a county just to the north of our fair capital. And thus a joke, if it may be so called, is derived. Essex is very much the San Fernando Valley of Britain, being notable mostly as a dismal hive of wannabe-cockney wideboys and ugly but ever-willing women. David and Victoria Beckham are the unofficial Royal Family of Essex.


Update
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