Although unique, I am not in fact a minority

Around this time of year, my Inbox gets overloaded with news of various fellowships that I can apply for. It's the academic equivalent of being bombarded with adverts for budget dick-stiffening remedies - everyone gets them, even though they only apply to a tiny minority (pardon the pun) and 50% of the recipients aren't even eligible to apply.

Even if I was a US citizen, most of these fellowships are of no interest to me, because I am not a member of an 'under represented group' (one is not allowed to say minority any more). I did once try to argue that there weren't enough aging British misanthropes in American academia, but to be honest when you look around the faculty we are still the dominant force. One has to a 'person of color' [sic] these days, or a woman. (Am I still allowed to say woman? Person of oestrus, perhaps?) Not that I object to promoting a more cosmopolitan intelligensia, I just wish they'd stop emailing me tell what I could have won if I'd been born a one-legged lesbian.

The new undergrads turned up this week. They all seem to be 'persons of challenging ability' (i.e. thick as shit). It's a sad fact that as one gets older, the freshers don't just get younger, but more stupid as well.