Funding the Ubermensch

This is one of my favourite times of year on campus. The evenings grow longer, the balmy sun warms my bones, and the flowers are in bloom. Most importantly it's the end of the quarter, so the undergraduates have deserted the campus to study for exams. Those that remain have that cowed, fearful look that all great instructors strive to instill*. My enjoyment of spring this year has been somewhat curtailed by being forced to participate in the 'Proposal Season'. My funding runs out this summer, so I need to scrabble for next year's cash and the application deadlines tend to be around this time. There is only one thing more tedious than preparing a grant proposal, and that is assessing a grant proposal, so my mood has been bleak.

My tolerance reached a nadir yesterday when one of my referees, a Chinese academic of a certain age, asked me to write my own reference for him. I was scandalized at this, partly by the lack of probity (these things are highly confidential and are submitted in a sealed envelope to prove that I haven't read them), but mostly because I really couldn't be arsed to write yet another document about me and my research. However, since I have little choice I wrote a concise document objectively assessing my suitability for funding.

'It is my very great honour to be afforded the lofty opportunity to recommend Fester Fastrousers (Capt.) for intramural funding by A Well Known West Coast University. My only reservation in this endeavor is the realization of my wretched unworthiness in commenting on the abilities of this superb student, abilities that I can barely even comprehend. Fastrousers does not walk on water: he walks five inches above it. However there is no doubt in my mind that were it every necessary for him to return to surface level he has the requisite strength of character to bear the wetting of his feet with nary a comment.

I have known Fester Fastrousers for over three years as a graduate instructor and as a member of his dissertation committee. In that time I have become convinced that Fastrousers is possessed of a mighty Colossus of an intellect, a Colossus that holds aloft a shining beacon of light to guide the ship of academe from the stormy, chaotic seas of ignorance and into the serene Rhodian harbour of human understanding.

As a student, in a mere ten-week graduate class he progressed from the rudiments of the subject matter to an insight that revolutionized the entire field and forced me to reasses my own suitability for the position of instructor. This resulted in him being awarded an A.

As a committee member, I was privileged to attend Fastrousers' oral qualifying exam, an event that evoked the precocious understanding of the adolescent Jesus discussing theology with temple elders. In his commanding Churchillian tones, he summarized in less than one hour two hundred years of learning of an entire discipline. He then proceeded to outline a course of scientific investigation that boldly answers the questions that few have ever dared even ask. The importance of his research for the department, for the discipline, and for the future of humanity can barely be overstated.

His personal qualities are possibly even more intimidating than his scientific brain. The apparent ease with which he overcomes each challenge belies a strength of will, a courage, a stoicism that comes but once in an era. He has the humility to tolerate without judgement lesser men (and we are all lesser men). His character is firm enough to withstand the slings and arrows of the University's bureaucracy, yet gentle enough to deal with understanding the multitude of smitten sirens who attempt to distract him from the purity of his quest. Were he a soldier he would be a mighty general marching from victory to victory ahead of legions of noble warriors who would gladly die as the price for fighting under his flag. Were he a poet he would compose burning epics for the ages, epics that would lead every man and woman towards a beautiful self-awareness and a life of quiet fulfillment. As it is, he has chosen to grace the Academy with his pursuit of knowledge, and it is a pursuit that we simply must support in whatever fashion that the Fates deem us able.

Fastrousers is set to stand amongst the pantheon of the great intellects of human history. Newton, Euler, Planck, Einstein, Feynman, Lorenz; all will take their place in history behind this great man, revered to have simply contributed to Fastrouser's comprehension of the natural world. It is my greatest fear that when that day comes, the good regents of A Well-Known West Coast University will rent their garments in despair, crying in shame 'why, oh why did we not participate in the formation of this vast mind when we could have awarded him a Dissertation Year Fellowship?'. Too late then shall be those cries.

Seriously. He's that good.

Y.X.
Professor.'

The application goes through a departmental review before being forwarded to the awarding committee, so I should find out in a couple of weeks if the old fart actually read it before he signed off on it. Personally I'm in a win-win situation. If he reads it then obviously he'll be forced to get off his arse and write the damn thing himself. On the other hand, he could just sign and submit it. If the committee then deem the reference to be unsuitable, I can simply cry 'foul' and there's nothing he can do about it, because he's signed a document stating clearly that it's his own view and that I have not even seen it, never mind contributed to it.

(*My other favourite times are the spring exams, and the fall exams)

A political endorsement by Captain Fastrousers

Bro's before Ho's.

If only one could see what their hands were doing