Failing to get the horn

The zoo said that although Lulu had been introduced to a male rhino called Easyboy, the two had not shown any sexual interest in each other, prompting the decision to attempt artificial insemination.

So it seems that rhino horn is not the aphrodisiac it's widely believed to be, and that all those limp-dicked wealthy asians have been illegally forking out stacks of cash on placebos. I have no sympathy, the flaccid fuckers shouldn't have funded the poaching of endangered species in the first place.

Of course, it could be a ruse by the rhino's to pretend that they have limited potency, in order to kill the market for their bony proboscii. Rhinos are vegetarian after all, and I'm not sure that I really trust anyone who doesn't eat meat. If it is a con, then I envisage World Wildlife Fund activists slipping bromide into the drinking-water of tigers. That's what I call activism.

Fastrousers unveils exciting new service

A previous post seems to have generated a bit of interest from the indolent chattering classes that make up my dysfunctional readership. Never one to pass up an financial opportunity, I am announcing an upcoming new service - online dumping.

So-called dating services have been tapping into the desperation of the lonely for years, so I don't see why I shouldn't cynically exploit the desperation of unhappy affairs. Service charges will range from about $2.99 for a standard email, to $15.99 for a full-service public humiliation that will scar them for life, with various options. I envisage a similar business model to iTunes, so you'll need to set up an account*. It will allow the 'gifting' of dumpings to other accounts, which provides a good way of subtly hinting to friends that maybe they could be doing better than their current partner, or even to assuage some of the guilt accrued by having slept with said Significant Other.

I truly am a visionary, the Steve Jobs of the human-interaction industry. Plus, I don't have to stick a bloody 'i' in front of every damn product name because I can't think of anything else.

*Each 'break-up' will require the release of your email address/phone number. I plan to make your 'newly single' contact details available to dating agencies, for a small recompense. Unless I think you're hot of course, in which case I'll just hit on you myself.

Democracy in action

Unlike the USA, it is possible to get one's opinions heard to the British government without a significant financial outlay, either in the form of bribes, lobbyists, or both. For years, lunatics with strong opinions and too much time on their hands have been delivering their own personal manifestos to No. 10 Downing Street in the time-honoured form of petitions.

Thankfully, the process has now been technologically streamlined, and now anyone can set up and sign and e-petition on the 10 Downing Street website. This saves the postal service, and all that tedious messing around on cold street corners trying to persuade other lunatics of the validity of one's cause. You don't need to justify your petition, or even (as far as I can tell) have to be a UK citizen.

Have fun with it - prizes are up for the longest statement, the most votes, and the most original cause.

NB The Terms and Conditions expressly forbid use of the publicly-funded site for frivolous or non-serious purposes. While that raises the question of what the hell Tory backbenchers are paid for if not for frivolity, I cannot and would not, ever, under any circumstances, condone the use of the site for mere entertainment. For example the creation of a nationally owned themepark, AnthraxWorld, at the Porton Down biological warfare research facility, or the annexation of northern France. Somebody's already proposed the reintroduction of public flogging, but I have a feeling that they may have been serious

Platonic Presidency

George W. Bush insists that he is done giving back rubs to the German Chancellor. In a statement, the President said that 'although his intentions were meant in a tone of support and friendship, he would not wish to do anything that would be seen as compromising the deep respect he has for the office of Chancellor. Also', Mr. Bush added, 'the uptight bitch is obviously a dyke, or frigid'.

The President has also made it official policy to decline giving foot massages to the Pakistani leader, Pervez Musharraf, but the White House remains tight-lipped concerning the alleged 'Friends with Benefits' negotiations with UK Prime Minister Tony Blair.

There must be 50 days to leave your lover

I'm told that this is a tricky time of year to become single. Over dinner recently the conversation turned, as it so often does, to the predicament of becoming single. I discovered that, as far as women are concerned, there are only a limited number of days on which it is acceptable to elbow one's nearest and (formerly) dearest. Anything between Thanksgiving and Christmas is out, because it might involve awkward questions from relatives during family gatherings over the festive period. There's only so many times one can hear 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' from an aunt without justifiably resorting to violence. Between Christmas and New Year is socially difficult since, plans for the biggest piss-up of the year may need to be altered at the last minute. Straight after New Year just shows that you were only waiting to do the deed out of social niceties, and less than a month before February 14th is bad because women care about such things as Valentines day. That leaves an open window of only ten days, from January 5th - 14th inclusive, assuming you don't want to have to wait until Lent (although even I must admit that that does seem somewhat appropriate, since Lent is all about giving things up).

Fortunately I am completely unperturbed by either scruples, tact or conscience, so I am free to ditch someone pretty much any time of the year. Sometime between opening my presents on Christmas Day and having to introduce her to the family at Christmas Dinner seems like pretty good timing to me.

But how, oh how, to do it? Hopefully you've made the necessary precautions throughout the relationship and made sure she doesn't know your home address, in which case you can just block her phone number and add her mail address to your spam filter. That isn't always possible though, in which case more overt tactics need to be employed. A fax to her workplace saying 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You' has always been my preferred method, since it avoids a scene. Some people like to use text messaging, but I'm a man of many vowels and something like 'dnt wnt 2 c u ne-more' just doesn't do it for me. Some women are more persistent than others of course, and these subtle hints sometimes don't always get through. If you find yourself in this situation you may need to use the nuclear warhead of break-up lines, so-called because it's deployment carries the risk of Mutually Assured Destruction. Tell your unintended that she's a really nice girl, then add 'but I don't want that, I want a dirty girl. And your sister's* filthy'. Sure, it may end up tearing her family apart, but it's guaranteed to ensure that she never wants to see you again.

*If she doesn't have a sister, then use mother instead - I would probably avoid using 'brother' for all but the most extreme cases.