I've been in this Godawful city too long

"Ok, so here's the deal, we can let the chatterati do the climate sensing but dude, I gotta tell you it's av-caffeine all the way. We send Condoleezza Rice to Paris with about 15 eligible batchelors to choose a future husband. Each week she boots one of them off and they have to go and live in a flat with 5 other dysfunctional wannabe B-list celebs, with only a crate of wine and 5,324 minicams for company. The last one remaining is supposed to marry Condoleezza, but here's the twist - he only then learns that it's not in fact the Secretary of State, but is actually a pre-op transexual Mardi Gras Queen living in a FEMA trailer in Houston, TX. If he exchanges vows with the poof he gets a million bucks, if not he has to go duck shooting with Dick Cheney. Will Cheney shoot him, or will he miss? The audience is on tenterhooks, I tell ya! If he does get shot in the face, he's whisked straight off to the operating room where Larry King, who's been given the (televised) challenge of learning how to become a doctor in one week, performs surgery. The real surgeon is, of course, learning how to become a figure skater with Nancy Kerrigan. It may not be reality, but it's certainly TV!"

I am concerned about the departmental mackerel budget

One of the great things about researching Antarctica's climate system is that there's almost no data and no other researchers, which means that I can palm off almost any hackneyed and spurious old toss as original resarch and no-one will be any the wiser. Well, a few other people will be, but since they're at the same game there's not a lot they can say without incriminating themselves. Unfortunately, when I get the occasional influx of scientific zeal, the lack of resources is a bit of a problem. For example, I currently need sea surface temperature data for the Southern Ocean, and am frankly so desperate for information that I'd use data from almost any source, much like a Daily Mail journalist.

In desperation, we've turned to harnessing elephant seals to get hold of some useable data. The idea of harnessing dumb animals for dangerous or onerous tasks is nothing new to science - even now there's an undergraduate sat across from me churning through endless satellite images for us. Even undergraduates have limited uses though, in tests last winter in the Southern Ocean only one or two research assistants were able to survive long enough to give really useful oceanographic data, as they tended to implode below about 500ft. (Eventually we had to stop testing after a formal request from the Faculty Chair, who was worried that the number of students not completing their major would reflect badly in the on the department if the Dean noticed). Hence, we've had to resort to using slightly higher forms of life.

Whilst I welcome new data of almost any kind, I do worry about the future. What if these creatures start demanding funding, or even joint authorship on any publications (undergraduates can normally be satisfied by a bit of a mention in the acknowledgments section)? Worse yet, they could start gunning for faculty positions. The last thing geophysical science needs is yet another enormously fat and thick skinned mammal shuffling around, howling and barking at everyone.

I sympathise with Cheney, to a point

Everyone over here is getting their knickers in a twist, just because the Vice President shot one of his friends. It could happen to anyone. You're out in the woods slaughtering a few small birds all alone (except for your security detail) when you hear something creeping up behind you. It could be a terrorist, or worse yet a rapacious predator, so naturally the only adviseable course of action is to shoot now and ask questions later. As it happens it was a lawyer, which is more or less the same thing.

Personally, I don't think shooting lawyers will do his political career any harm. Cruel though it may seem to some, culling is the only way of keeping the population down, so this may in fact be the most environmentally friendly thing he's done in a thirty year political career. Also, it makes him seem more human - after all at some point in our lives we've all felt the need to open up with both barrels in a lawyer's face.

I do worry that there might be implications if he makes a habit of it though. Verminous pests they may be, but there are other species in the ecosystem (e.g. estate agents, accountants, newspaper editors) that depend on a healthy herd of lawyers.

1 hour 15 minutes is perfect for an exam

I had to invigilate an undergraduate exam yesterday. Thankfully nobody tried to cheat. I don't care if they kiss goodbye to their expensive education, but frankly I haven't got time to deal with all the paperwork and tribunals. I've also learnt that one hour and fifteen minutes is the perfect length of time for an exam. Any longer than that would get boring, but anything less than an hour doesn't give one enough time to fully appreciate the intense discomfort in their shifty little eyes. There's the initial panic when the nervous ones think they're done for, before they settle down and start writing, leaving the idle wastrels in the class to slide into increasing doom and despondancy. You'd have to be completely joyless not to enjoy the spectacle.

I was particularly amused by the efforts of the oafish youth with the maladjusted baseball cap to look intelligent and ponderous for an entire 45 minutes. I hope he does badly - middle class white youths should have learnt by now that they will never look 'ghetto', no matter how rakish the angle of their cap. I grew up on the mean streets of Minehead, Somerset (pop. 8,000) so I know about Keeping It Real.

I suppose it's possible that his right ear is particular sensitive to sunlight and he was just trying to shade it, in which case I apologise. Otherwise I think that the corridors of climatology can do without his sort.

Has somebody fatwahed?

There's the lingering smell of a fatwah in the air, over a bunch of Danish cartoons that depict Allah. The muslim world is in predictable outcry, and stern measures are being urged against Denmark. For a start, a boycott of Danish products has been instigated in Arab countries. Bearing in mind that Denmark's major export is bacon, I can't see the loss of the muslim market share causing economic collapse.