Describing foreigners

The Rough Guide to England has caused a bit of a fuss by describing the English as ´overweight, alcopop-swilling, sex-and-celebrity obsessed television addicts´. That neatly describes 50% of the population, but they appear to have left out a description for the men. All they needed to do was swap ´alcopop´ with ´beer´ and ´celebrity´ with ´football´ to have more or less nailed the entire God-forsaken race. The book also states that talking to people you don´t know in London is ´seen as tantamount to physical assault´. Seems like pretty useful advice to me, the sooner Johnny Foreigner realises that he/she has no business disturbing the important denizens of the World´s Greatest City without a decent introduction from a third party, the better. Unfortunately, they let things down a bit by listing England as a country* on their website, which hints at sloppy research. They probably based the entire entry on a single night of trying to pick up some local slapper in Equinox, the usual modus operandi of backpackers visiting London. Obviously the authors were unsuccessful, or they wouldn´t be so bitchy now.

On a similar note, I am in Sao Paulo at the moment. Based on what I´ve seen so far, my Rough Guide description of Sao Paulo would be as follows: ´Architecturally, a sort of tropical Sarajevo, it´s most notable feature being a prevalence of concrete buildings with gaping shell-holes in them. The population is an interesting blend of Beverly Hills bourjoisie and Calcutta grit, generally friendly though. Be very wary of rush hour.´ I could be being harsh to Sao Paulo, but then I´ve not yet had the chance to pick up a local in a nightclub to build up a really full picture.

*Note to foreigners and people from Hampshire - England is NOT a proper country, it is just one element of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The other elements are Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the Costa del Sol.

Exclusive! Scott McClellan's resignation letter

One of my sources in Washington has made available the exact wording of White House press spokesman Scott McClellan's resignation letter. (The President has, of course, regretted but accepted Mr. McClellan's decision.

'Dear Scott

You have five minutes to clear your desk, leave the building, and eulogize the President in one last press conference.

Regards

Joshua Bolten'

Warning: contents may be hot

Some Palestinian halfwit has taken out another falafel stand in Tel Aviv. There's nothing very new about that - Palestinian halfwits are always taking out falafel stands in Israeli cities - but this time Hamas have explained that it's all in self-defence.

I can't say I agree with all of the new Palestinian Authority's policies (I'm particularly shaky about their views on male facial hair - there's absolutely no excuse for facial hair in this day and age), but I can see their point in this case. The annexing of deep-fried chickpeas is a clear indication of Isreal's intent to culturally rape the entire Arab culture. Either that or the guy got some hot fat splashed on him (happens a lot at falafel stands, believe me) and decided the only way to vent his ire was to blow himself up in a busy street. We've all had days like that.

I practically lived off falafel for a few months in the Middle East. Man, those little balls of protein are tasty and filling. Unfortunately my next port of call was Turkey where they don't really do vegetables, so I went straight from virtual veganism to an all-kebab diet. My anus was in turmoil for at least three days, and I prayed for death as my colon threatened to explode. Much like a Palestinian, I would imagine.

The pathos is unimaginable

No Shock & Awe this week, out of respect for the tragic loss of Gene Pitney. Like so many men of his generation, taken before his time in a Cardiff hotel room. Did you know that Los Angeles is 1,461 miles by road to Tulsa? At a sensible and legal speed of 70 mph, and including stops for refreshment and fuel, that makes me almost exactly 24 hours from Tulsa.

The pathos is unimaginable.