It's the survey season again

Spring is sprung, the grass is riz, I wonder where my survey is?

For some reason, spring is the time when people seem to canvass for information, and I'm not just talking about the IRS. In the last few weeks, I've been bombarded by no less than four different bureaucracies at A Well-Known West Coast University for my opinons. My opinions are never that high as regular readers will no doubt realise, but they could probably be improved by the bureaucrats getting on with some work instead of asking me how I feel about them consistently delaying my reimbursements.

One particularly choice survey asked me, amongst other things, to state my sexual preference from the following options:

Heterosexual
Lesbian/Gay
Bisexual
Other (please specify)

Other? What the fuck? What the hell have these people heard about me?

Fortunately the survey was anonymous, so there shouldn't be any legal ramifications from describing myself as an Androgynous Tantric Badger Fucker.

Nothing says 'serious scientist' quite like calling comparing the government to Nazi Germany

The history of science is littered with the sad tales of a once-great mind falling into an ignominious dotage. Take the example of Louis Agassiz, the once-great 19th century geologist, who's most renowned discovery was the realisation that the Earth had gone through extreme cold events, which he dubbed 'Ice Ages'. Unfortunately (for him), towards the end of his career a couple of upstart heathen Englishmen called Darwin and Wallace jointly submitted works on the origins of species. Agassiz, like the Kansas school board after him, was so offended by the idea of evolution that he spent his later years writing ill-concieved, contradictory and flimsy polemics against the theory. In the process he managed to more or less destroy his own reputation, something no rival had been able to achieve throughout his long career. If there's one thing we can all learn from men like Agassiz (and there have been plenty), its that when you find your academic career is on its downward trajectory, then its time to start cashing in with a few consultancies, and concentrate on teaching your way to becoming every undergrad's favourite Emeritus. Above all, stay off the field when the young studs are kicking the ball around.

Usually I associate Agassiz with contemporary climate change 'skeptics', due to their propensity for offering weak and incoherent arguments, but which gain credibility because they react against a notion that threatens society's status quo. On this occasion its the other side that needed to take note of Agassiz's cautionary tale though. Jim Hansen is a rather distinguished scientist, who was interested in anthropogenic climate change way back before it became fashionable. Just lately, he's been showing signs of the strain that the politicization of climate science is no doubt putting on a man in his position, and has been beginning to develop the dangerous tendency towards activism. Scientists shouldn't be activists. Scientists, like soldiers, should never publicly state their mere opinions, or at least not from the platform of privileged authority that their profession may imply to the lay person. Anyway, Dr Hansen had a bit of a Micheal Richards-style meltdown in the Senate recently when he compared the current White House residents to the Nazis.

The point he was making was perfectly valid, that as a government employee (he's a NASA director) he was being effectively gagged by the administration. Unfortunately, no matter how valid your argument, accusing your opponents of being Nazis lumps you in with girlfriendless conspiracy theorists, online political extremists, and people who stand in shopping malls trying to get you to sign petitions. If there's one thing the climate debate doesn't need at the moment, its respected scientists destroying their own credibility. Nothing says 'nutter' quite as effectively as calling the President a Nazi.

Caffeine withdrawal: update!

I've now reached the 58-hour mark. The spoon-wielding otters have mostly lost interest in trying to dig a mineshaft through my brain. As with everything in life, there's a couple of die-hards who won't give up, but nothing I can't handle. This morning I made the first decaffeinated bowel movement since I was sixteen, and it left me rather shocked.

Somebody suggested that after conquering coffee, I might try giving up alcohol, so I had to punch their putrid face. That has made me feel much better.

If only I had the energy, I'd slaughter everyone right now

One of the more tedious aspects of living amongst the fruits and nuts of California, is the number of people who don't drink coffee. They don't drink beer either for that matter, or at least not enough to indicate sufficient self-awareness to need the kind of escape from reality that only alcohol can provide. However, non-drinkers at least tend to stay away from the sort of places that I go to get drunk, thus I am spared their patronizing self-righteousness. Not so those who've fore sworn caffeine. 'Oh no, I don't drink coffee, it's really bad for you' they unnecessarily inform me, drawing deeply on their camomile-and-rosehip flavoured infusions (or whatever it is that these people drink to keep the chi re centred). Yeah, well try getting through a four year PhD fuelled only by tofu and dried leaves, or for that matter keeping a centred chi. At the other end of the scale are the caffeinated hipsters, the sort of new-media dickheads who seem to spend most of the business day surfing the net in Starbucks on their laptops pretending to work. These are the sort of people who routinely wear hats, and who can ask for a 'tall, skinny latte with wings' without any hint of irony or embarrassment. Clearly, coffee seems to bring out the pompous in people, much like religion and smoking bans.

I've recently finished my qualifying exams. These are, as far as I know, unique to the American higher education system, and represent the most pointless exercise in academic hazing imaginable. Nobody takes them seriously, but everyone has to take three months from research to study for and complete them. Up to this point, I have for the most part managed to retain some sense of connection with what we laughingly dub the Real World, but after the last few months I have become apathetic, nervous, socially inept and disinterested in anything outside work. If the aim of these exams was to ensure that we're fully prepared for a life in academia, then I suppose it could be said that they were successful.

Now that these exams are over, I no longer need chemical stimuli to force my mind and soul through the tedium of learning in minute detail a lot of stuff that I mostly already knew. I have decided to try an experiment, to see how I react to life without a regular dose of coffee. Nothing permanent, just for a week or so to see how it feels. All those people who tell you how much better they feel and how much more energy they have since giving up caffeine are, quite frankly, talking out of their arses. I'm currently on Day One, and it is thirty-four hours since my last 'hit'. I can barely keep my eyes open, I'm struggling to string a sentence together, and useful research seems like a long distance memory. My head feels like I spent last night hitting the Jagermeisters with an Irish rugby club, like I am being bludgeoned to death by a pack of spoon-wielding otters. The only thing that sustains me is the thought of enacting actual physical harm against people who drink ginseng for kicks. In this one last aspect, at least, I am my old self.