I have been inveigled, by malevolent forces beyond my control, into attending a social event at a rather self-conscious bar in Hollywood. I was pretty skeptical right from the start: Fastrousers' First Law of Carousing states that the rigidity of an establishment's dress-code is inversely proportional to the quality of the experience inside*. My initial fears were confirmed when I received the following confirmation that I was on the (mandatory) guest list:
We ask that you please be patient and courteous with our
door staff.
Make sure to mention XXXXX at the door.
As with any event please arrive early, dressed to impress, and with an even
ratio to ensure prompt entry. We will do our best to accommodate you and
your guests.
If you are interested in reserving a VIP table or have a large party
Please call 323-XXX-XXXX, or visit http://www.overpricedshittybarsRus.net'
Excuse me, but just who is the customer here? They make it sound like they're doing me a favour, by 'allowing' me to tear across town, queue up for half an hour and then pay $15 for a bottle of gassy imported gnat's piss posing as beer. What, pray tell, do they mean by an 'even ratio'? An even ratio of beers to mixers? Whores to clients? Steers to Queers (this is Hollywood, after all)?
The only reason they can do this, and be successful by doing it, is because the social status of Hollywood is based on such banal trivialities as being seen in the right bar. Every society has it's status symbols, and they're all arbitrary. Sportsmen gain status by kicking a ball around. New Yorkers gain status by being rude and loud. In south-east London one acquires status by having scars, and British students gain status through a capacity to drink without vomiting. In certain parts of the Arab world, status is based upon the number of camels one owns. That's what entry to this bar is, a glorified herd of camels. It's not about fun, or comfort, or even the relentless urge to drink unto oblivion. Only by showing sufficient determination to enter this place, by pretending that one is wealthy enough not to care that the bar bill is extortionate, and by feigning interest in the rest of the vacuous clientele, one has demonstrated one's credentials to inhabit the kind of society that made Paris Hilton a 'celebrity'.
*There are three Laws of Carousing. The Second Law states that anyone who knows how much and what they drunk the previous night clearly hadn't drunk enough. The Third Law states that there is an exponential relationship between the appeal of any activity suggested after 11:30 and the regret that activity engenders the following day.
